That I Would Be Good
by Ginger Glinda the Tangerine
Summary: A series of character studies based around various Scoobies' fears. Spoilers for all seven seasons. No longer updating.
1. Even If I Did Nothing

_A/N: This story is a series of one-shots based on the lyrics to the song 'That I Would Be Good' by Alanis Morissette. I've assigned each line to a different character (the lyrics of the song will form the chapter titles), and written a piece based on the fear that the line describes. Hopefully that makes sense, and hopefully you guys enjoy it! :)_

...

**1. Tara**

You say you want something that's just yours. And I am yours, I'm yours completely. But Willow, there's so much more to me than just that part of me, the part that's so eager to be with you and so accepting of the fact that there's parts of you I can't know, sides of you I've yet to see.

There are parts of me that are mad at you. It's so hard to tell you this, but there are. I feel so… extraneous. Like a third limb. And don't get me wrong, I would love to be a limb of yours, just not an extra one. I feel useless, Will. And I know that's not your fault, I just…

Okay. Listen. There was an accident, once, when I was little. I must have been five or six. I was tiny as a child, all wispy hair and sleeves that were too long. Every day, I had to walk home from school past the convenience store. It was run by this lovely old couple, Mr and Mrs James. They always used to wave at me when I walked by; I guess because they knew – or suspected – that I was lonely. It was part of my afternoon ritual: walk out of the school gate, avoid the older boys that liked to pull girls' hair, walk past the store, wave at Mr or Mrs James.

But this one afternoon, as I walked past, no-one was there. I'd had a pretty bad day at school, and I really wanted comfort, so I thought I'd go inside and buy some candy, or something, so I could talk to someone and they could make me feel better. What you have to understand, Will, is that I was a really lonely child. Getting waved at by an old couple was about all the friendship I had in the world, and without it I was lost.

The inside of the store was magical. Everything was perfectly neat and tidy; everything was ordered, everything had its place. There were so many colours, and lots of them were coordinated, and there were bright lights and shiny floors and coloured advertisements on the walls. I could have stood in that store for hours, just staring at the décor. Like I say, lonely child. I did sometimes stop off at the store on my way home, just to look at all the packets of things I didn't need. It made me happy, I guess, looking at things and imagining a time when I might need them, when I'd be old enough and smart enough to have my own house.

This particular afternoon, I was happy enough just walking around the store, taking everything in, when I heard a strange noise coming from behind the counter. I can't compare it to anything – it wasn't animalistic, it was distinctly human, but it didn't sound like anything I'd heard a person say before. I was scared, but also curious, because what six year old kid isn't? So I poked my head around the side of the counter, me and my wispy hair and my hand-me-down backpack, wearing pink tracksuit pants.

Mrs James had fallen off a ladder. She must have been fixing a shelf or something, I never found out, but she was lying on the ground and her body was twisted up in funny angles, and she was crying out in pain, trying to get someone to hear her, because there was no-one around except me. I looked at her face and that was what scared me, Will, her poor lovely face scrunched up in agony, like some kind of demon, except her eyes were so desperate and so human that I felt like they were looking straight into my soul.

I didn't help her. I didn't do anything. I couldn't. I was frozen in place for a moment, and then I ran out of the store and didn't stop running until I was safe at home, and I buried my head under my pillow and tried to forget what I'd seen. Someone found Mrs James, and she was okay, but she walked with a cane after that. I found a different route home, because every time I saw her leaning on that cane it was like someone was driving it into my heart.

And Willow, I feel like that now. Sometimes. Because there's this whole other side of you, a whole other side of everything, that I know is there, but I can't do anything about it. When you talk about what you've done with Buffy, all the demons and vampires you've encountered, I feel like I'm staring down Mrs James again. I know I can help, and I hope you want me to be a part of your… your group of real friends. And I want that too. Being separate, being your special secret, is fine, really, until you leave me, and then I'm just as alone and helpless as I was that afternoon in the store.

I want to be part of your life, Will. I need someone to make me feel like a real person. I would love you to be that person. I would love you to love me even when I'm worthless, even when I do nothing, even when I'm no better or stronger than a little girl in long sleeves and pink tracksuit pants. I would love you to love that girl.


	2. Even If I Got The Thumbs Down

**2. Xander**

Science, science science science. Possibly the most boring subject ever invented by man – or by Hell-beast, which is my preferred theory. Who needs to know what happens when you mix together two random chemicals you never find outside a science lab? Even the thrill of setting things on fire had worn off after freshman year. So I was just sitting in the back, minding my own business and extensively not paying attention by drawing faces on all the atom diagrams in my textbook, when I heard my name.

"Xander! Xander Harris, can you tell me which two elements combine to form regular table salt?"

"Uh…" I looked down at my book. There was a caption that read 'Table Salt', but the names of the elements were covered up by two warring smileys, one of which looked kind of like Cordelia if you squinted. Maybe it needed some more hair…

"Guh, salt. Um… I… don't know..."

The rest of the class either hid laughter or was too bored to care. I appreciated the bored ones.

Science Teacher – I didn't remember her name, she wasn't exciting enough – looked frustrated. "Of course you do, it's in your textbook, on the page I'm reading from."

"I, uh… my book. It has a page missing."

Teacher made an unsatisfied grunt and told me the answer, in a voice that suggested I was three. This time the whole class laughed, and I hid my head in my book. By the time class was over, the Cordelia element had turned into a Buffy element, and was staking a vampire version of my science teacher.

…

English class was just as bad, if not worse. I think that morning, all my teachers had gathered in some hallowed teacher-y place and made it their mission to torment me. My scathing Shakespeare essay (the basic argument being "Shakespeare sucked because no-one can understand him without studying him first") got a D, even though Willow had helped me with it (a little, since she was writing hers as well, about iambic tents or something). My English teacher pointed out several ways the whole class could improve, and then added, "and Xander Harris could benefit from implementing all these measures."

The class laughed, and I made a mental note to look up the word 'implement', since I was pretty sure it was a noun, not a verb.

On the way out of English, still looking over my essay in disbelief, I made the mistake of walking past Cordelia at her locker. Maybe she had somehow found out about the turning-her-picture-into-Buffy incident, or maybe she's just a bitch, I don't know, but she'd decided it would be fun to spray perfume in my face as I walked past.

"Waagh!" I dropped the Shakespeare essay, and the other books I was carrying. Cordelia and her cronies shrieked with laughter as I knelt to pick up the mess, deciding it would be easier to leave my bruised pride behind. I found an empty classroom and locked myself inside until I was sure they were gone.

…

After school, and hopefully, my humiliation, was over, I went to the library to find Willow. She was putting books away for Giles – he and Buffy were out in a cemetery somewhere, training. Will looked happy to see me, which was different.

"Okay, so, I have this plan. And it's a good plan, but I thought I could tell you and you could help out with making it even better."

Willow nodded, a little confused… or maybe it was anticipation of my brilliance. Because I have brilliance.

"Okay. The plan is this: arming myself with Twinkies, going home and turning on my music of pain."

Willow looked horrified. "Oh, no, don't get pain-y. I'm sure it's not worth it."

I listed for her all the things that had happened to me that day, things which thoroughly deserved country music, in my opinion. She nodded gravely.

"Well - maybe you just need the Twinkies?" she said brightly. "I could help you with them."

I knew what she meant. I love sharing Twinkies with Willow; it usually leads to crazy conversations and occasionally almost kissing. It's nice. But the words she used just made me more angry.

"Yeah, you can help me, because stupid Xander can't do anything by himself," I said bitterly.

"Xander," Willow said, in her serious voice, or something close to her serious voice. I looked up at her and I could see her trying not to smile. And I could tell it wasn't a laugh she was holding back, too. Me and Will, we've known each other for a very long time. So long that it's almost weird to admit that watching her face right then made me very, very eager to stand up and kiss it.

"Xander," she repeated, more softly this time. "You're not stupid. You're… you're smart. You might not be school-smart, but that's okay! You have me for that," she grinned, almost proudly. "But point is, you are… I mean, I… I lo- you're good. You're a good Xander. I wouldn't want another Xander, because you're the best there is."

The eagerness doubled after that speech, and I was on the verge of reaching out to touch her face when she pulled me into a hug. I held her tight, feeling like I could stay that way forever.

Willow, though, had other ideas. She let go of me after a while, smiled cheerily, and said, "So, Twinkies?"

I followed her out of the library and briefly slipped an arm around her shoulders. She smiled at me. Maybe life wasn't so terrible after all.


End file.
